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By Alycia Skerry

Staff Writer

“Once upon a time, in deep winter, a queen was admiring the falling snow, when she saw a rose blooming in defiance of the cold.”

Thus began the delightful monstrosity entitled “Snow White and the Huntsman.”

I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece. What I got, however, was a terrible, laughable camp-fest that I should have been prepared for given Universal’s reputation for big-budget romp.

The cheesiness makes it or breaks it for the viewer, depending on whether the viewer is in the mood. If you’re looking for a well-written, well-acted action movie, try “The Avengers.”

The lines in “Huntsman” are amusing, to say the least, with beauties such as “First I will take your life, my lord. And then I’ll take your throne” and “You cannot have my heart.”And yes, the latter was used in a literal context.

One of the few redeeming aspects of this travesty is its incredible special effects. This film is a visual feast. From the withering apple motif, to a completely random, unexplained scene in which a very naked Charlize Theron bathes in milk, to the golden magic “mirror” which seems more like a person wrapped in a crazily dynamic gold sheet, to the forest made of faeries, these art directors knew their stuff.

This is Disney’s version on LSD.

Now for the best (and by best, I mean worst) part: the acting. Let’s take this one actor at a time. The principal characters are Kristen Stewart as Snow White, Charlize Theron as the Queen, Sam Clafin as the Prince and Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman.

Kristen Stewart: You may have seen her in the “Twilight” films as Bella Swan. This Snow White is a British Bella Swan who has slightly darker hair. Slightly. She still has to choose between the romantic and the bodybuilder, she still never closes her mouth. (I’m starting to think she has a nasal condition) “I’ve seen what she sees. (pause, exhale) I can kill her (inhale, exhale).” Look for a poisoned apple scene from Stewart which is reminiscent of childbirth and is a near-reprisal of her vampire bite scene from “Twilight.”

Charlize Theron: She made a beautiful queen, but the character’s strangeness and lack of originality drowned out any memorable moments. In addition, her British accent is very poor and dragged out. Say it with me, everyone! “FIIIIIIIIIIIIND HEEE-AAAAA…”

Sam Clafin: This was a performance I was looking forward to, as I was informed that the prince would be Stewart’s love interest and the huntsman merely her mentor.  Spoiler alert! I was misinformed. Not only was this a sort of poorly constructed love triangle, but the end didn’t reveal who Snow White would choose. I guess there’s a sequel in the works already, so maybe the screenwriters will make up their minds. After all, I became almost invested in the characters I paid eight bucks to see. Clafin’s acting was as good as the character he was provided: weak and one-dimensional, too much blubbering.

Chris Hemsworth: If you want to see this man act, watch “Thor.” You’ll get the exact same performance without all the nonsense. Unfortunately, that means he’s not very versatile, but he’s a Marvel superhero, so he gets away with it.

This movie is the director Rupert Sanders’ first. As far as I’m concerned, enough said.

How do I rate “Snow White and the Huntsman”? Two stars. Do I recommend you see it? I don’t know if I’d go that far. Will you benefit from watching it? Absolutely not. But is it a fun movie to watch with a group of friends late at night when everyone is too tired to make sense of anything?

…Maybe.

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